Exit, Stage 2!

Stress is a born killer.  It raises your blood pressure, tears your insides up, makes you lose sleep, among many other nasty things it does to your body.  But for me, like for most of you, it makes me eat.  Stress eating.  I actually get jealous of people who say, "When I get stressed, I can't eat."  God, I'd love a little stress like that.  Obviously those people never grew up with a Jewish grandmother.  Because grandma's answer to everything was, "Eat."  "Grandma, I failed a test at school!"  "Don't worry, here, eat, I just made mushroom barley soup, you'll feel better."  Well, I did feel better.  And bloated.  "Grandma, I just robbed a bank and the cops are after me!"  "Here, I'll make you salami and eggs, sit, eat, it'll be all right."  "Grandma, I just severed a toe!"  "Don't worry, here, I made you a few frankfurters to take in the ambulance, eat, Eat, EAT!!!!!"

I was taught the wrong lesson.  The problems never went away, nor did the fat around my waist.  But hey, that's what love is to many people, food, you can't blame grandma.  The real question is why do we reach for food when problems mount?  Is it because it's comforting?  My grandma's stuffed cabbage is safe, and nothing can hurt me while I'm eating it?  Possibly.  I'm only a pop psychologist, and don't know the real answers.  But in the end, I do know that I seek comfort from stress with food, and it only causes more stress, because then I stress that I not only overate, but I ate the wrong things!  Trust me, if I stressed out on a huge plate of fresh veggies, and grass fed beef, I wouldn't be stressed out about my eating.  But I don't do that.  I stress out on a huge plate of lasagna, or a fatty salty corn fed corned beef rueben sandwich, stuffed with salty sauerkraut, melted processed swiss cheese, and drenched with thousand island dressing, and not the healthy homemade stuff I make, but right out of a jar filled with chemicals and salt and sugar, and corn syrup, um, sorry, I mean corn sugar.

Did you hear about that?  High fructose corn syrup makers hired an advertising firm to reinvent themselves so people wouldn't think it's as bad for them as all the reports say.  So now they call themselves corn sugar.  The commercials go something like, "Reports say corn sugar does the same to your body as cane sugar, so relax."  But what they don't tell you is how bad cane sugar is for you.  Besides, it's false anyway, not all sugars are created equal, your body absorbs some better than others, which is why the only acceptable sugars on the caveman diet are from fruits, veggies, and honey.  And even then, the caveman only ate fruit in the summer, and would only gorge on honey once in a blue moon, when they found an abandoned hive.

But I digress.  We were talking about stress eating.  I've had a lot of stress lately, along with most of the country.  Times are tough, which means bank accounts are shrinking, and waist lines are expanding.  And arteries are being clogged.  Including mine.  I have been eating like the old Jeff, B.C. (Before Caveman), and I feel sluggish, and bloated.  I need to get back to what makes me happy, and that's keeping my weight and my health at levels I'm happy with.  Eating like crap only makes me feel like crap.  Many times I can blame it on out of town visitors, dating, holidays, etc.  But I have no one to blame but myself.  If I really wanted to, I could cook for people, and not go out to eat, where caveman food is non-existent.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't put back on all the weight I lost, not even close, but I haven't been very strict lately, and I need to get back to basics.  I find that if I can control my food, with will power, and discipline, then I can control my life, and all the problems, and stress that it brings.

The good news is the diet plan I followed makes it so easy to go back to the beginning and start over.  Again, I have no affiliation to this site, they pay me no money, and don't even know I exist, I'm just giving them a free plug because I think it's the best way out there to go caveman.  Here's the link again:

http://www.cavemanpower.com/food/diet_and_eating.html

They ease you into the diet in stages.  Stage One was graze all day on organic nuts and berries, some fruit, and root veggies, and then pig out on a feast of anything you want, as long as you don't eat again after your feast until the next morning.  This helps you realize how sick eating whatever you want makes you feel.  It makes you start craving healthy food for Stage Two.  Well, consider the last few weeks of my life the completion of Stage One.  Believe me, I am craving healthy food again.  I want control over my life, and it starts with the food I eat.  I will not give in to cravings, and stress eating.  And once I have control of my life, I will have a better grip on the problems that cause my stress.  That's the theory anyway.  I could just be talking out of my ass, but a little discipline never hurt anyone, and at least I'm making an effort, which is always a good thing.

Stage Two is the detox portion of the diet.  Eat NOTHING, all day (drink plenty of water though, and in my case, I also drink lots of organic green tea, full of antioxidants).  Then have a huge feast of purely caveman food (you know the list by now, and I'm sick of telling you, so go back and read the beginning of the  blog, you lazy bastards).  Eat all you want, and then again, once the feast is over, eat nothing until tomorrow's feast.  You can eat as early or as late as you want, just nothing after the feast is over.  A feast for me usually consists of unlimited portions of an entree, a side dish, and one large piece of fruit for dessert (or two smaller pieces).  By giving your body only pure food (or as some say, real food), it's cleansing itself of all the crap in your system.  I believe it.  Since I've been eating crappy again, I broke out all over.  In actuality it's poisonous toxins trying to work themselves out of my body through every pore.  Gross.  But I never break out when I eat purely caveman.

They suggest you stay on Stage Two for 2-8 weeks, or even longer of you like.  The first time I did Stage Two, I did it for three weeks, and I lost a ton of weight.  Well, I'm starting at a much lower weight this time, and it'll be interesting to see if I lose weight this time, and if so, how much.  As good as I look, and trust me ladies, I look fabulous, but I still have to hold my gut in when hot chicks go by at the beach.  Don't judge guys, you all do it too, you filthy liars.  But maybe after this time through Stage Two my gut will finally go away.  Or maybe I'll break down and have Chinese food after four days.  Let's find out together.  But I will set a goal.  I'm going to do Stage Two for three weeks, then maybe break down and eat a whole pizza, and then STRICTLY doing Stage Three until I go to NY in late November for my cousin Stef's wedding.  Stage Three is satisfying any craving, but within caveman parameters, trying to graze all day and feasting at night, eating nothing afterwards, and eating only pure organic caveman friendly food.  When I get back to LA, no guarantees about stress eating, let's see how full my bank account is before I start making promises about how full my stomach will be.

You may say about Stage Two, "Sure Captain Caveman, anyone can lose weight if they starve themselves all day, Jerk-Wad!"  Well, you may say that, but I'd be angry you called me a Jerk-wad, so if you say that, please leave the last part off.  Well, the starving is part of it too.  Firstly, it shrinks your stomach, and doesn't let you eat too much food.  We already eat much more than we need to survive.  Nature didn't account for the all you can eat buffet, otherwise archeologists would have dug up an ancient Sizzler in the Serengeti by now.  Starvation also triggers your body to make resveratrol NATURALLY!!  If you don't know what that is, Google it and try to catch the 60 Minutes piece on the subject.  In an organic nutshell, resveratrol is the thing in red wine that makes it so healthy.  When you starve, your body's natural survival tools kick in, and flood your body with this incredible antioxidant substance, to fight off death.  In a weird ironic way, starving makes you healthier!  The less you eat, the healthier you get!  Crazy right?  Well, it's true.  Now I don't recommend you do that, you could die of malnutrition, but if you eat all healthy caveman friendly food, in smaller portions, your body will be a lean mean health machine.  There are actually many people out there who adhere to the starvation diet, but life is too short for me to eat nothing but a cup of tomato soup every day for the rest of my time here on the planet.  Eventually, I'm going to need a slice of pizza from Lenny & John's.  And probably a sausage roll too.  And a root beer.  And a chocolate Italian Ice.  No, no, make it a zeppole with powdered sugar instead.  To go.

Sorry, no photos today.  Tonight, and probably tomorrow night is just simple tuna sandwiches, made from whatever I have in the house.  I'll make some mayo, add the tuna, and then I think I have some red onion, parsley and dill in the fridge, along with some spicy peppers, so I'll mix it all up together, bake some almond bread, and have a sandwich with nice slices of tomato and avocado on top!  It's a big can of tuna, so I'll probably have enough for at least two meals.  Looking in the freezer and fridge, I can tell you future meals coming up will be organic pork loin (have no idea how to make that yet), grass fed buffalo ribs (I'm starting to salivate for my Asian Plum BBQ sauce), and a new favorite, zucchini linguini!  There will be photos, complaining, bowel updates, cooking, self deprecation, and all the things you've grown to love and hate in my blog.  "Mmm, Caveman like starving until 6pm and then not eating again until next night."  Hmm, doesn't have the same ugga-bugga excitement as it does when I make brisket.

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