Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Cave Girl is Born!

I'm very proud of my sister Sherilyn!  The great experiment of staying with her and cooking caveman dishes has paid off big time, and she has embraced it fully!  Even my finicky eating brother-in-law Lorin has stopped reaching for the salt shaker!  I applaud them both for going caveman, Lorin, with baby-steps, and Sherilyn, with giant leaps forward!

To recap, I came to New Jersey about three weeks ago to cook for Sherilyn and Lorin (usually this is where I become rude and tell all the lazy bastards who don't know who they are to look it up, but I have a lot of new readers lately, so I'll be polite for once and tell you to pretty please read all my past blogs to catch up on the story arc, that's right, ALL OF THEM, YOU NEW LAZY BASTARDS!).  The goal was to show them that paleo eating doesn't mean a death sentence on flavor.  When most people hear they're about to go on a diet without salt, sugar, wheat, beans, peanuts, dairy, or almost every single thing they've ever bought in a store from a box, jar, or can, they say, "What else is there?!!!"  But I'm here to tell you folks, "Dieting Does Not Mean Deprivation!"  You like my new catch phrase?  Yeah, me too.  Thanks to Christina from christinadoeslife.com for the inspiration.

Anyway, you can read for yourself in the last few weeks of blogs how Lorin and Sherilyn adapted to their new lifestyle. Lorin took a little more time than Sherilyn, who really went for it.  At first, she just enjoyed my cooking.  First I took her shopping and showed her how to read labels, because just 'cause it says organic, doesn't mean salt or other nasty things haven't been added.  Remember, the less ingredients on a label, the better!  Then we started out by me making her breakfast every morning.  She likes to have eggs for breakfast (as do I), so we stocked up on organic, Omega-3 rich eggs!  I cooked her over easy eggs in olive oil (all ingredients, all organic, all the time) with different herbs and spices.  One day it was fresh thyme and rosemary, another day it was fresh basil and black pepper.  She couldn't believe how adding just a few fresh herbs adds so much flavor to an otherwise ordinary dish.  Even the laziest cook can add a few sprinkles of some herbs and feel like a top chef!  Then I started making her omelettes like a kale and mushroom omelette (with fresh thyme and black pepper), and using some leftovers, a guacamole omelette (great combination, eggs and guac!)!  By the second week, she was making her own breakfasts, the way she liked them (like I said, if people are gonna stay on the paleo diet, they're gonna have to make THEIR favorite dishes, not mine), using nothing but organic ingredients.  She used to use the cheapest eggs and spray on PAM every morning.  That's like taking the fat from a sick diseased chicken and frying it in chemicals.  In fact, that's not what it's like, it's what it is!  Still hungry?  Yuck!  Now, she was eating fresh, healthy eggs, bright and beautiful, laid by healthy happy hens, free of antibiotics and growth hormones, that are rich in Omega-3 fat, which is probably the healthiest thing on earth (as far as humans go), and frying them in oil made from pesticide and chemical free organically grown olives.  Now I bet you're hungry!

Sherilyn started creating her own caveman dishes, based on her favorites.  One day I made her my walnut bread, with fresh rosemary.  She liked it, but when I bought grass fed ground beef, she made her own bread with sesame seeds so she could have a sesame seed bun for her burger!  One day for lunch she made tuna (wild caught), added yummy organic things like red onion and celery, mixed it with my caveman mayo, and made a bread that I will be making VERY SOON!  What she did was take organic dry minced onion, and lightly browned it with a touch of olive oil, and then mixed it into the bread batter, as well as sprinkling it on top before baking.  It came out like an onion roll!  Old time Jews from NY (like me) know this better as onion board, but I figured I'd gentile it up for you non-Yids.  It was OUTRAGEOUSLY DELICIOUS!  She was really becoming a cave girl!  She took over dinner duties from me, and the last couple of nights, she made her own delicious fauxghetti and meat sauce, and a great chicken dinner salad with homemade honey mustard dressing that I taught her to make after she tasted my kale salad from the other night.  You remember the kale salad, right?  No?  Jeez, do I have to do everything for you people?!  Here:
http://cookingcaveman.tumblr.com/post/1647714032/pumpkin-pie-kale-salad-and-coconut-shrimp-redux

Here's her chicken dinner salad with chicken, cucumbers, baby romaine, walnuts, almonds, dates, and tomatoes, onions, mushrooms on the side:


She's even gotten into the whole presentation and picture taking!  Sherilyn has now graduated to the next step, and it's time for her to fly on her own, re-creating her favorite comfort foods, by translating them into caveman cooking!  I'm SO proud of her!  I have no doubt she's going to continue to eat paleo, and I bet her weight starts to PLUMMET, as her health begins a METEORIC RISE!  And I bet Lorin isn't too far behind.  I'm glad, I love him, and I didn't really want him to die, I don't need his car that badly (callback, look it up).

Well, my work here is done.  It's time for me to head back to LA, and get back on my own paleo wagon.  NY always makes me bad, and in the last few days, BOY DID I CHEAT!  I'll blog all about it next time for you foodies, and you caveman can live vicariously through me too.  But after that, I've got some great ideas for my new zucchini pasta substitute.  Coming up in the next few blogs will be caveman recreations of lasagna, rigatoni, cold sesame noodles (a Chinese food all time favorite of mine), and many more, as well as a redux of that amazing ramen from the other night!  You're gonna wanna stay tuned for these recipes, folks.  After reading about them, you'll be joining my sister Sherilyn in yelling, "Ugga-Bugga, I want to be a caveman too!"

We're Moving Soon

I'm gonna start phasing out blogspot and by the new year I'm going to be posting exclusively on tumblr.  So if you're following me, please start reading/following me at http://cookingcaveman.tumblr.com/

Thanks,

Jeff

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Don Draper Doesn't Work For You, He Works For Lucky Strike!

Don Draper doesn't work for you, he works for Lucky Strike (this is a "Mad Men" reference for those who don't know).  My point is, advertising firms don't care if the products they sell you are healthy, they only care if they sell.

Let's talk about eggs, and chickens, shall we?  One of my fav blogs, mikewakesup on tumblr, posted a pic of the eggs he uses, and they were labeled "cage free."  Well, there's a lot of misinformation out there, so be careful.  Always make sure whatever you buy says organic, or it could be a lot of different things. "Fed a vegetarian diet" almost always means factory produced corn and/or soy, both Caveman no-no's. But by law, if it's called organic, even though the chickens might be fed corn and soy, at least it's organic, and you're still getting a healthy chicken. Plus, maybe to a chicken, corn and soy IS Caveman Food? I don't know, I'm not a chicken, but in my mind, it's a healthy bird for me to eat.

Also, "Free Range" and "Cage Free" doesn't mean much. By law, it can mean the chicken had some access to the outdoors for a small period of time during the day, but in reality, they probably stayed inside anyway, in horrible unhealthy conditions, because that's where they were being fed. Trader Joe's got busted by an undercover investigation on this recently and were forced to change the farmers they bought from.  If it says organic, by law, it means they were raised mostly outdoors, and are happy healthy chickens, right up to the moment I slaughter and eat them for my own selfish reasons. :)

The same goes for eggs, by the way. Always make sure it says organic, and if you can get them from chickens who were fed organic flax seed for extra Omega-3, even better.  Here's some more reading on Omega-3 eggs, and free range meat from a blog I wrote and re-blogged on tumblr:

http://cookingcaveman.tumblr.com/post/1278249987/caveman-dinner-wednesday-8-11-10

 Happy reading and happy eating!
Sunny Side Eggs with Fresh Rosemary, Thyme, and Red Jalapeno.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Leftovers, but not Turkey... Meatballs and Fauxghetti!

We had Thanksgiving dinner at my cousin Dale's, so there were no turkey leftovers today.  :(  But there's leftover Chicken Cacciatore from Wednesday night!  There wasn't enough for five people, so I added a little more of that organic strained tomato (you know the brand I'm talking about, the one without added salt, and if you don't know, LOOK IT UP!  It's under "Ten Condiments," you lazy bastards), organic tomato paste (also, no salt), some more garlic, some more celery (for the natural salt content), some more fresh basil, and I made MEATBALLS to go with it all!

Meatballs and fauxghetti, just like my imaginary Italian grandmother used to make.  As a general rule, use two zucchini squash for every person.  Or even more, 'cause you're gonna wanna have leftovers!  This time I took some of the heated sauce and poured some on the fauxghetti in a separate pot and let that simmer some.  It cooked a little and reduced down in size, but it was softer than the crunchy raw version from the other night, yet still al dente.  It also twirled better on the fork!  The raw works best in the ramen, because it sits in the broth and softens, but with fauxghetti, there's not enough sauce to soften it.  Makes sense?  If not, forgive me, I'm still in a food coma from Thanksgiving.  Speaking of which, I'm very proud of the way I'm caveman'ing it one night, and then pigging out the next, it's really keeping me in check.  And even when I'm pigging out, I'm grazing very lightly during the day, so I can feast at night without feeling full and gross.  When I first planned my NY trip I imagined every day would be bagels for breakfast, pizza for lunch, and a massive NY dinner like Chinese food.  But I've been good, and I no longer dread falling off the paleo wagon while in New York.

Okay, back to the meatballs.  They came out GREAT!!!!!  OUTRAGEOUS EVEN!!!!!!  I took a pound of grass fed beef (the 15% fat stuff from Trader Joe's) and added about a cup of leftover walnut flour that I ground for bread the other day (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  Then I added about one clove of minced garlic, some basil, some oregano, black pepper, and some parsley.  One egg to bind it all together and mixed it with a chef's best kitchen tools, my hands.  Once mixed, I heated up some olive oil in a BIG ASS pan (you can use a pot too).  I rolled the meat mixture into hearty sized meatballs, but not too big (you can make them as big as you want).  By the way, a little water on your hands helps you roll the meat easily into nice sized balls without them sticking to your hands (look at me, I'm giving tips now, look how far I've come in a year.  "Relax Jerk-wad, you rolled a friggin' meatball, what do you want the Congressional Medal of Honor?").  Into the pan the meatballs went, and I browned them, rolling gently so I got them brown on all sides.  Then I added the extra garlic (I put this in first, so they'd release some flavor when they hit the hot oil), and then the extra tomato paste, strained tomatoes, basil, celery, and the leftover chicken cacciatore.  Stirred it all up GENTLY (don't you dare break apart those meatballs after all the work I just put in, you ungrateful bastards), and let it simmer for about 40 minutes.

In the meantime, I made the fauxghetti, simmered it like I said (I hope you were paying attention, because I'm too tired to repeat myself), and when it was ready, we ate!  Look:
I don't know about you, but that shit looks good to me.  And it was beyond delicious!  Any sauce always tastes better the next day anyway, but the added meatballs put it OVER THE TOP!  Everyone ate it, and LOVED IT!  And check out that fauxghetti!  You'd never know it was zucchini if I didn't tell you.  I can't wait to make these meatballs again when I get back to California, when I'll add those Italian sausages to it too (look.  it.  up.).  I would have made them this time, but the Whole Foods here didn't have any organic pork (in fact, they didn't have much of any organic meat, including poultry).  The Whole Foods in heath conscious Cali have a much better selection of meats than in New Jersey, where health seems to be an afterthought.

Anyway, speaking of repeating myself (I said that somewhere in this blog), for my tumblr readers, I created a page that displays my very first blog entitled, "Entering the Cave," which can be found under MY PAGES.  I'm getting more and more new readers every day (thanks everyone!), so this is a good way for people to understand why I'm on this nutty journey, and a basic understanding of what paleo is all about.  I also encourage you all to read the archives, because you missed a lot of good food talk, and general complaining (two of my favorite past times).  I promise it'll make your mouth water so much you won't even be able to say, "Ugga-Bugga!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Apple Pie Follow-up

Just a quick word about the apple pie.  The house I'm staying at now consists of 5 people, me, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my two nieces home from college.  THE PIE DID NOT MAKE IT 24 HOURS!  Gone, gone, gone!  Guess I have to make another one soon.  Or two.  And maybe a pumpkin too.

I managed to save a slice for Lorin, because if he liked it (which he did), then hopefully in the future he would reach for a slice of healthy and delicious pie for dessert instead of a fruit roll up type of thingy, that contains no fruit (like the bacon bits that contain no bacon).  Tonight was a red letter day for me as far as cooking for Lorin goes.  Knowing he loves bell peppers, I made my chicken cacciatore for him, loaded with bell peppers (you know the drill by now, you lazy bastards, look up the recipe in the archives).  It came out great.  My sister bought the same knock-off Spirooli I had (see the Spaghetti Bolognese blog for details), and I served it over zucchini fauxghetti (I love that term, thanks again Stacie).  Everyone ate both the pasta, and chicken cacciatore, and had seconds of each, even my picky nieces and bro-in-law.  Let's give Lorin a break, he wanted to reach for the salt, but he gave it a try as it, and it began to grow on him.  I have renewed hope for him as a future caveman!

Sorry, again, no pictures, you've seen me cook this meal before, and it's hard to make everyone wait for dinner, while I play food photographer.  But it makes me feel good that they'll be eating zucchini in this house from now on, instead of wheat pasta.  Sherilyn thought she was gonna have to make real pasta for Lorin and the girls but they all bought into it!  All Katie had to hear was pasta that didn't make you gain weight, and she signed right up!

I've been alternating paleo meals with my regular NY food hangouts, and that's kept me from feeling too gross.  Tonight was a caveman meal, and Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow!  Happy Turkey Day everyone!  Ugga-Bugga!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Pie!

Remember that time I made that apple pie?  'Member?  It was yummy, wasn't it?  Remember how bat shit I went at how good it was, and how amazed I was that I could make an organic gluten-free apple pie with no refined sugar?  'Member?  Well, this time you're gonna have to lock me in an asylum, because THIS PIE IS INSANE!!!!!!

Okay, so after two apple pies, and three pumpkin, I've got the crust recipe down by now!  I'll update the entire recipe page around New Year's, but for now, here is the definitive crust recipe (all ingredients, all organic, all the time):

For Pumpkin:
6 eggs (room temperature)
1/2 cup of honey
12 tablespoons of Coconut Oil (might need to heat slightly to make a liquid)
Coconut flour (amount varies)

For Apple:
9 eggs (room temperature)
3/4 cup of honey
18 tablespoons of Coconut Oil (might need to heat slightly to make a liquid)
Coconut flour (amount varies)

Again, don't worry about the saturated fat in coconut oil, and all those egg yolks, we're dealing with organic food here, folks, all the fat and cholesterol in these things are great for your health!  Stop listening to Madison Avenue, they're in the business of keeping you fat and unhealthy so that they can then turn around and sell you medicine and diet plans.  Did you hear about this new high carb diet bullshit that's sweeping the nation?  They're targeting people who want to eat pasta without guilt, but trust me, it won't work!  As amazing as pasta is (and I love pasta more than anybody, it's what got me inducted into the Fat Bastard Hall of Fame), there's almost nothing in it that's good for you, weight wise, health wise, or any other -wise.  Wheat, whole grain or otherwise is toxic and fattening.  Same with brown rice, and brown rice pasta.  Doctors say to eat a lot of whole grains because they know it's easier to get you to eat whole grains than it is to get you to eat real pure food that provide fiber but aren't as sexy as pasta.  The best diet for health is to eat no grains.  I have a friend who mentioned she couldn't do paleo because she "NEEDS oat bran in her life because she HAS to have fibre."  You know who told us that oat bran is required eating?  The people that make oat bran.  Instead, try eating an apple (any fruit or berry or edible seed really), or an avocado, or anything else that won't make you sick over a long period of time.  Or broccoli or kale, or any green leafy vegetable!  Plus, you're getting the other nutrients these fruit and vegetables provide that grains don't.  Fibre is fibre once your body breaks it down, so choose wisely.

One more thing about eating paleo (don't worry, you fat bastards, I'll get back to the pie in a minute).  My brother-in-law mentioned part of the reason he doesn't like the diet is that organic meat and food is so expensive.  True, but when you eliminate fruit roll-ups, and other candy, chips, and crap from your budget, then suddenly there's extra money for organic food.  Or line veto'ing the store bought orange juice every morning (I've talked about juice before explaining that a glass of orange juice is like eating 8 oranges, which you'd never do, so instead, just eat an orange and get the fibre too).  Plus, you save money when you don't have to take store bought vitamins, because you're getting actual vitamins from food for the first time in your life (this also allows your body to use more of the food you're eating, making you less hungry, and you wind up eating less, which also saving money on groceries).  And then there's the future to worry about, health-wise.  You can pay now, by eating organically, or you can pay later, with heart medicine, insulin, lipitor, doctors bills, etc.  A blogger on tumblr I've been following (http://christinadoeslife.com/) posted something that summed it up perfectly:

From Whole9Life:
  • It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Giving up heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your “struggles”. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE... and it’s for the most important cause on earth – the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime.
It's all about choices, folks.  You can make all the excuses you want, but "I can't do it because I like cheese too much," is going to be a decision you regret when you go in for an angioplasty.

Okay, enough of this lecture bullshit, let's eat PIE!!!!!

Sherilyn and I (if you don't know who Sherilyn is by now, look up my past posts, you lazy bastards) bought a fancy shmancy apple peeler/corer/slicer that works "okay" but not "amazing."  Still, it got the job done, because even I don't have the patience to peel, de-core, and slice 9 apples all day long (okay, I do, because that's how I made the first pie, but I was miserable the whole time).  As the apple was sliced, I threw the slices into a bowl of water with lemon juice, so they wouldn't start to oxidize and turn brown.  I mentioned a lot of this in the blog about the first time I made the pie, but it's Thanksgiving, so I'll save you the time of looking it up yourselves (even lazy bastards need a break around the holidays).  Then I cooked the apples in a pan with some of the lemon water, and added a 1/2 cup of honey, 1 tablespoon of cinnamon, 1/2 tablespoon of nutmeg, and a SMALL dash of either allspice or clove.  This is to reduce the apples, so that they don't reduce in the pie, leaving a huge gap between the pie top and the filling.  Don't let the apples get too cooked or it'll turn to mush in the pie, just let them get a little softer than raw.  Then use a slotted spoon to remove the apples, and continue to reduce the liquid until it's syrupy (keep stirring or it'll burn).  Technically, this is refining the honey into sugar, but it's still SO much better for you than factory refined cane sugar, agave or maple syrup, or especially high fructose corn syrup.  Remember, honey is the only acceptable sugar on the paleo diet, but it should still be used in moderation, along with all fruit.  A holiday pie is a great reason to eat it moderately!  Add the syrup back into the apples, and let it cool, while you make the crust.

Into a bowl mix your eggs, honey, and oil.  The reason you need to have the eggs room temperature is because the coconut oil will clump immediately when it comes in contact with the cold eggs.  Coconut oil hardens at almost anything under 75 degrees, so you might need to pop the jar in the microwave for a few seconds to make it into a liquid (careful, don't burn yourself).  Once mixed, slowly start mixing in coconut flour until you have a thick, but not completely dry mixture.  Grease your pie pan with some more coconut oil (doesn't take much, but use enough so it looks greased, you don't want your crust sticking), and using your hands, start layering in and forming a crust.  I just dump a big dollop of "dough" in the pan (not all of it, you need quite a bit to make the top, so only use a little more than half to start with, and then use sparingly if you still need more), and start pushing it out, up the sides, etc, until a pie crust is formed.  You don't want the bottom to be too thick, but it's worse if it's too thin, so err on the side of excess.  And use a deep pie dish, or you won't have room for the filling (like my last pumpkin pie).  Then pop it into your 350 degree pre-heated oven for about ten to fifteen minutes (I skipped this step this time by mistake, and I can tell the subtle difference it made).  Take it out (might need to let it cool for a few minutes) and then pour in your syrupy apple mixture.  Then take the remaining dough and form the top, making sure everything is covered, and all the dough is connected to the sides.

Cover the edges with foil, or they'll burn, then put the pie pan in a baking dish or pan, and add a water bath (don't know what that is?  Neither did I until I looked it up on the internet, so use the web as your ultimate kitchen tool, and cooking class like I do).  Bake it for 30 minutes and then take a knife and cut three slits in the top so that the filling can vent (different than when I vent about my mother).  Suddenly it looks like a real pie, and I feel like a real chef.  Believe me people, if I can do this, you can too, I am not mechanical, or handy, so you'll probably be able to make all these recipes better than I can.  I bought a grill once, and the woman said assembly was required, but it only took her an hour, and she's not mechanical, so I could probably do it in the same time or less.  I had it completely assembled in only 7 hours!  So this recipe should be easy as pie for you (lame pun, I know, sorry).

Bake for another half hour, and if the top looks brown and done, it's done.  If it's not bowned to your liking, continue baking until it is!  Sherilyn asked if it was cooked long enough to be done, but remember, we pre-cooked the filling, so it's practically done when we start.  Being a new cavewoman, she still has to be reminded that we're not using food like wheat that needs to be cooked in order to be edible.  In fact, every recipe I cook can be eaten raw!  That's my rule of thumb, if you can eat it raw, you can eat it on this diet.  Now, I wouldn't eat a raw chicken, but a fox has no problem killing a chicken and eating it raw, and it never makes them sick!  Same with animals that eat bird eggs.  So go ahead and cook things, but realize, they're edible raw too!

Okay, thanks for your patience, reading through all my ranting, and cooking instructions.  Here's your reward:

Hello Gorgeous!!!!!  The bottom crust was a little too thin, and slightly too soft, which is why I say don't skip the step of cooking it for ten or fifteen minutes before adding the filling.  And as you can see, to be picky, some of the crust edge broke off in some places, making it slightly less presentable.  But the taste... Holy Caveman Crap, the taste...!  Perfect!  I had a slice last night for dessert, and then had a slice this morning for breakfast!  My niece Katie came home from college last night and gave it a hard look this morning.  I told her to try some, but she said she's not really a pie person.  She gets her pickiness from her dad, that's for sure.  But it looked so good, she tried a small slice anyway.  She took one bite, her eyes widened in surprise, and said simply, "it's good."  Another bite... then another.  "It's REALLY good!"  Being a college student, she's always watching her weight to a degree (she's not a diet junky, but she wants to look hot and realizes she's got the family fat bastard gene), so she was amazed when I told her she could eat the whole pie and not gain much weight (especially compared to eating a conventional pie).

Then Sherilyn's friend Wendy came by, and she tried a slice.  She couldn't believe it was made without added sugar, or wheat flour!  You won't either!  If you're having a paleo Thanksgiving, you won't need to skip on dessert, you can make these caveman pumpkin and apple pies, and enjoy your meal as much as anyone in America.  More so in fact, because you know that it's all healthy, and non-fattening!  While the rest of America is loosening their belts tomorrow night, you cavemen might be too, but in a day or so, you'll be back to your skinny selves, while everyone else will be shopping for bigger pants!  And if you're not a caveman, try these pies anyway, and enjoy a guilt free dessert for a change, especially on the biggest overeating day of the year.  I hope everyone out there has a very happy, and HEALTHY, Ever-Lovin' Ugga-Buggin' Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Pumpkin Pie, Kale Salad, and Coconut Shrimp Redux!

Since I screwed up the first pumpkin pie I made my sister (I burnt the shit out of the crust) I decided to use the extra pie filling (I had a ton left over), and redeem myself.  I think my problem with the last one was I didn't have enough pie crust.  I previously followed the proportions for my pumpkin pie crust recipe, but this time I followed the proportions for my apple pie crust recipe, and the extra crust helped immensely.  Also this time, Sherilyn suggested I bake it in a water bath, so I did.  The results were varied, but not disastrous by any means.  The crust was thick and perfect!  However the dish wasn't deep enough and there wasn't much pie filling.  Just a thin layer, barely more than the crust.  But the taste was still spectacular!  Check it out:

Nice!  Look at that flaky crust!  Even with the screw up of picking a dish too shallow, it was still the best pumpkin pie out of the three I've made so far!  But this baby was for dessert.  The main dish was Coconut Shrimp (look up blog entitled "I'm Koo-Koo for Coconut").  But this time I found the organic shredded coconut I was looking for the first time I made it.  I wish I hadn't.  It came out way too clumpy, the shredded coconut overpowered the shrimp, and you couldn't even taste the spices I used.  Plus, the batter was done before the shrimp, causing me to have to burn the outside in order to cook the inside.  Luckily though I made quite a few like the first time, just coating the shrimp in coconut flour, and they came out great.

The only difference from the first time was the dipping sauce.  Last time out I made the sauce from apricots, but they won't be in season again for quite some time.  But Whole Foods had some California Red Seedless Grapes (I had to come all the way from LA to NJ to find California grapes) so I tried them instead.  Came out great!  I used a little extra ketchup that I made that morning to give it a nice color (it was looking a little grey).  To refresh your memory, along with the grapes I used caveman ketchup, honey, cilantro, ginger, garlic, lime juice, and some olive oil to give it a nice sheen.  It looked and tasted glorious.  Here's what the whole dish looked like:

I served it with a side of my Kale Salad (look up, "All Hail Kale," you lazy bastards).  I took the Italian Vinaigrette that Lorin wouldn't eat the other day because it was "too green," and I added some mustard powder and some honey to it and turned it into a Honey Mustard dressing, which was good, because Sherilyn's not a big fan of Italian dressing either.  Take a peek:

I won't even bother making a new dressing for Lorin, he can use the store bought one he likes (plus the bacon bits, which has no bacon in it), and I KNOW he won't eat the kale salad, but I did take some of the red bell pepper, apples, and walnuts (I checked to see if he eats all these ingredients first, and he does), and I made a separate salad for him using romaine (the only lettuce he eats).  Hey, baby steps, at least it's a start.  Where else is he going to eat an organic salad if I don't make an effort to make him one?  But he did eat the coconut shrimp, including the dipping sauce!  I'm not giving up on him, I'm going to rise to the challenge and make him organic caveman dishes that include as many ingredients as I know he'll eat.  If the only bad thing he's eating at a meal is the salad dressing and Bacos, I will consider it a major accomplishment.  When you think about it, that's what I do with myself too, only I eat a LOT more things than my brother-in-law does.  But if someone's going to stay on this diet, they'll have to recreate all THEIR favorite dishes, not mine.

However, the major star of the meal was a side dish I made as a throw away experiment.  What an amazing find!  Sherilyn read an article about the best squash to make french fries with, and it said to use Delicata squash (no, I never heard of it either), and make steak fries out of them.  I found several recipes on line, and they all said to leave the skin on.  Huh?  Look at this pic I took from the internet, does this look like you can eat the skin?
But it came out great.  And so simple.  Cut in half lengthwise, de-seed it with a spoon, and then cut into strips resembling steak fries.  Lightly coat the strips in olive oil so they won't stick to the rack, and bake on said rack (so that the heat gets underneath) at 425 for 40 minutes, turning once.  They came out so great, I didn't even use seasoning!  They tasted just like sweet potato fries!  And the skin provided a wonderful texture, like a crispy fry on the outside and soft on the inside!  This will become a regular staple for me when in season!  Here, look at a pic I took from this website (http://greenlitebites.com/2007/11/15/delicata-steak-fries/) that looks better than my pics, but did look like my fries too:

It looks strange, but trust me, it's delicious!!  By the way, my sister lost 3 pounds in the 10 days that I've been here, and that's WITH eating five non-caveman dinners.  Let's all give her a big congratulatory "Ugga-Bugga!"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ramen Soup!

So simple to make, and so delicious!  I was afraid to try making something completely new while cooking for Sherilyn and Lorin (who are they, you ask?  Well, look it up yourselves in my last blog, you lazy bastards), but this one was a winner!  Here we go!

First I heated up some olive oil in a soup pot and browned some boneless skinless chicken thighs (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  I used thigh meat because it's fattier than white meat, and fat equals flavor!  Plus, it's good for you (the organic fat I eat is anyway).  Once browned I removed them from the pot and threw in some sliced onions and minced garlic to soften and add flavor to the olive oil and rendered chicken fat.  The kitchen smelled amazing!  I gave that a few stirs, and then deglazed the pan by adding some water and scrapping all the yummy bits off the pan with a wooden spoon.  By the way, when going caveman, go all the way and cook with filtered water (especially if you're cooking in New Jersey).  Once deglazed, I put the chicken back in, and figured it would fall apart into wonderful bite sized chunks as it slow cooked in the broth (which it did).  Then I added some great veggies I got at a local organic farmer near my sister.  Sherilyn has never been inside, but I stopped in the other day and was amazed at how many great things they had, and at pretty reasonable prices.  I hope she starts shopping there after I go back to California.  Into the pot went chopped carrots, broccoli, orange cauliflower (told you they had a lot of great stuff), mushrooms, and the key ingredient bok choy, to give it that real Asian flavor!  Finally, I added some chopped cilantro and some grated ginger (fresh ginger is spicy, but not too spicy for my lightweight hosts).

I filled the pot with more filtered water, just enough to cover everything, covered the pot with a lid, and let it simmer on low for 2 hours, giving it a stir every 20 minutes or so.  While it cooked, I made the ramen noodles using zucchini.  I was going to pack my knock-off Spirooli (see my past blog entitled "Caveman Spaghetti Bolognese"), but forgot it, so Sherilyn and I picked up a different knock-off at a local kitchen supply store.  Only they didn't have my side loading knock-off, they had a top loading one.  DO NOT GET THE TOP LOADING ONE!  First of all, with my side loading one, you can use the whole zucchini at one time, but with the top loading one, you only have room for about 3 inches of zucchini at a time (get your minds out of the gutter, you filthy bastards).  But the biggest difference is the side loading one only slices the "meat" of the zucchini, and leaves the seeds as a nice little tube you can throw away at the end.  The top loading one gets it all mushed in with the "noodles," making them look soggy and, well, mushy (duh).  I had to pick the gunky seeds out of the noodles by hand, and it was a royal pain in my caveman ass.  Also, the top loading one cuts it into VERY thin strands, like angel hair, or vermicelli.  My side loading one makes thick strands like spaghetti, which I prefer.

After 2 hours of simmering, I turned off the heat, and took some wild caught shrimp, that I bought deveined (I HATE deveining shrimp, and it's worth it to me to pay extra to buy them already cleaned),  and pulled the tails and any extra shells off, and dropped them into the hot soup.  The hot broth cooked them in three minutes.  I put the caveman noodles in a soup bowl, ladled in some soup, topped it with some more fresh cilantro and freshly grated ginger, and added some sliced hot cherry peppers (only to mine, the peppers would have been too spicy for Sherilyn and Lorin).  Take a look:

Looks damn good, doesn't it?!  Sherilyn set the table ramen style with a spoon and chop sticks!  Lorin wasn't home from work yet, and besides he wasn't going to eat until later anyway because he was playing tennis tonight, so we didn't wait.  We couldn't stop ooh'ing and ahh'ing at how good it was!  We tasted every single ingredient!  The chicken and shrimp were amazing!  She couldn't believe I had never made this before.  First time out of the gate, and it was a success!  We polished off a bowl each in the blink of an eye and hit that bad boy again!  We started thinking what else it needed.  Well, salt, obviously, but it was just an observation, we didn't need it, or miss it, we just noticed that most Asian soups had salt and this one didn't.  We figured next time we'll add celery, which as I mentioned in past blogs, has a lot of salt in it naturally.  Also, next time we'll add scallions, which would have put it over the top!  In fact, I'm going to add celery and scallions to the leftovers, and it'll be like a whole new meal next time.

Then we came up with the idea to add some Chinese mustard to our bowls!  All I did was add water to mustard powder and voila, Chinese mustard!  It added a whole new dimension of deliciousness to the soup!  Sherilyn said I had to blog about it right away so that readers on the west coast could make it for dinner themselves!  Right about then Lorin came home, and saw how much we were enjoying the soup.  Poor guy, he didn't want to play tennis on a full stomach, but I could tell he was going crazy with hunger at the way we kept talking about how much we were enjoying the meal.  He couldn't resist, he stole a shrimp from the pot.  Even picky Lorin was loving this soup.  He asked to leave him a big pot of soup for him to warm up when he got home, so Sherilyn did, and I made him some more noodles to go with it.  Sher and I both noticed that putting the zucchini noodles in the bowl, and not in the pot, was the perfect way to go.  The hot broth cooked the noodles in the bowl, but not too much, and it kept it al dente!

Well folks, this was one of the better dishes I've made to date, and with winter coming, it's a perfect meal to try (several times).  It's so simple, even a caveman can make it.  Ugga-Bugga!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

You Can Lead A Caveman To The Table, But You Can't Make Them Eat!

Hollywood shuts down for the holidays.  The closer you get to Thanksgiving, the slower things become.  If a show you've pitched is being considered, you better sign something before Thanksgiving, otherwise you won't hear from anyone until mid-January, and by then, they've forgotten all about you.  It's a tough biz.  But the good news is you get over two months off (albeit with no pay).

So with nothing going on, my sister Sherilyn invited me to her home in New Jersey to cook caveman for her and her husband for the three weeks leading up to Turkey Day.  It would be a little experiment to see if A) they liked it, B) it works for them, and C) they could continue the diet after I leave.  I have no doubts that B will work for them, it can't NOT work if you're a human being.  But the rest of the alphabet is up to them.  The deal is I do all the cooking, and she does all the cleaning.  Perfect!

So first my sister and I went to Whole Foods and I showed her how to look for caveman food.  You HAVE to read the labels, because even though something says organic, it still can (and usually does) have a ton of added organic ingredients that are bad for you, and not paleo friendly.  Things like sea salt (another marketing ploy, because organic sea salt does the same nasty things to your body that table salt does), and soy (a bean, and full of toxins), and citric acid (not sure what organic citrus acid is, do they mean juice from a citrus fruit, because I don't trust that they processed a lemon.  Frankly, I'd rather eat a lemon).  This is especially important when talking about buying meat.  "Naturally raised" does not mean organic!  "Partially grass fed" does not mean "grass fed!"  So pick a store and a farmer you trust, and try as best you can to only eat "pure" food.

Monday morning, I got up and made breakfast.  My brother-in-law Lorin doesn't eat breakfast, which I informed him is healthier than people think (everything you've heard about it being the most important meal of the day would make a caveman laugh).  My sister usually eats 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg for breakfast.  She's worried about too much cholesterol, so she limits herself to one yolk.  I used to be the same way, until I stopped listening to Madison Avenue and learned the truth about good fat vs. bad fat.  And as you all know by now, organic eggs, laid by happy outdoor roaming hens, fed a diet of organic omega-3 rich flax seed, plus all the juicy bugs and seeds they find on the ground, lay gorgeous, fresh tasting, omega-3 rich delicious eggs.  Eat all of these yolks you want, I'm telling you my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect!  A concern for my sister all these years though was the price of organic eggs compared to conventional store bought eggs.  But if you cut all the high blood pressure and high cholesterol medicine out of your budget, you'll have plenty of money to spend on organic food.  See, every lame argument has a simple logical solution, it's all about how many excuses you want to make in life.

So I made her three organic omega-3 eggs, with some black pepper and some fresh basil (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  She hasn't used salt in her cooking for some time now, so at least I didn't have the salt battle to fight.  I fried them in olive oil, and she started looking at the pan and frowning.  She doesn't like oil.  Hmm...  That's a problem.  Healthy oil= healthy fat=healthy you.  You think sprayable PAM is healthy?  One of my pet peeves is when people go to a real high quality pizzeria and mat their napkins on the slice, sopping up all that delicious healthy olive oil.  The reason they think they're doing it is because they think too much oil is bad for you.  Well, if you were doing it to corn oil, or canola oil, I would agree, but organic olive oil is GOOD FOR YOU!  Once you get your head around the fact that organic lard from a healthy pig is better for you than processed canola oil, this diet will become a lot easier for you to swallow (pun intended).

Anyway, I served the eggs to my sister and she marveled at how wonderful it looked.  I was thrilled right up to the part when she took her napkin and sopped up all the excess olive oil.  Oh well, whatever, it's her breakfast, not mine.  She also likes her eggs more well done than I like mine, but I didn't force feed my ways on her with that either, I just made the breakfast and kvelled when she obviously loved it.

So off to work my sister and brother-in-law went, and I went to work cooking.  I baked a pumpkin pie for tonight's dessert, and roasted the pumpkin seeds in a frying pan with a DROP of oil (I'm learning) and some black pepper for my sister's snack when she came home in the late afternoon from work teaching nursery school.  The menu for tonight was romaine, tomato and red onion salad with home made caveman ranch dressing (see the recipe section), oven roasted rutabaga, and fried chicken, with the pie for dessert.

My brother-in-law Lorin came home and I told him the menu, and he wasn't quite drooling.  I quizzed him about his food preferences.  For salad, he only likes romaine lettuce, nothing else.  No problem, I can easily keep some of the lettuce aside for him, and just add the tomato and thinly sliced red onion for me and my sis (I love that simple three ingredient salad combo).  I was all set to impress him with my skills at not only making home made ranch dressing, but also making it without any buttermilk (or any dairy for that matter), and without any vinegar or salt!  I tempted him with, "You like Ranch Dressing..." as in "wait 'til you taste what I made!"  But before I could reveal that he said, "No."  Funny, I never realized what a picky eater Lorin was.  I've probably had a million meals with him over the years, and only once, when I made him breakfast a few years ago, did I realize he liked things plain.  But until now, I didn't know he liked food THIS plain.  Okay, no problem, I asked him what salad dressing he DID like, and he showed me a bottle of Italian vinaigrette in the fridge, full of salt and obviously vinegar.  So I whipped up a caveman version in a matter of seconds (I'm getting really good at this shit!).  3 parts olive oil, one part lemon juice, basil, oregano, parsley, black pepper, and garlic powder.  Delicious!  When my sister tasted it, she pushed me like Elaine does in Seinfeld when she's excited ("GET OUT!").  She was so happy when she tasted the ranch dressing she nearly killed me!

Okay, dinner time!  The chicken came out perfect!  They both loved it.  Actually Sherilyn loved it (I know from the welt she left on my arm after tasting it and punching me), but Lorin simply said, "Good chicken."  From Lorin, this was a rave review.  I still can't get over the fact I make healthy fried chicken.  To remind you, I use almond flour to replace the bread crumbs.  No photos today, folks, I made all this food before, and the recipes are on the recipe page for you to try or ignore.  The rutabaga was amazing.  I drizzled it with olive oil, rosemary and  fresh thyme, black pepper, garlic powder, parsley, and sliced red onion, and baked it for an hour and a half at 350.  Delish!  Lorin ate it, thinking it was potatoes.  When I revealed it was rutabaga he said he was glad I told him afterwards, because he probably wouldn't have eaten it otherwise.  Neither of them ever had rutabaga before, nor had I before I started this diet, and it's now one of my favorite veggies.  It's a great healthy substitute for nasty old unhealthy (albeit delicious) potatoes.  Sherilyn loved it, but she said the only thing she'd do differently is use less oil (I'm sensing a theme).

It was around then I noticed Lorin barely touched his salad.  I asked if he liked the caveman Italian vinaigrette dressing, and he said, "It's too green."  Hmm...  I said the green is from the olive oil.  "I don't like olive oil."  Hmm...  I asked what he thinks is missing.  "Flavor."  I surrender.  I told him feel free to use whatever dressing he liked.  He moved so fast to get his standard store bought dressing there were screech marks by the fridge.  I'm pretty sure my sister told him, as opposed to asking, that he's going caveman for his health, but I don't have hopes for him staying on this diet after I leave, considering he couldn't stay on it for the first meal.  He asked if bacon bits were allowed on paleo.  I said no, but it's his health, not mine, he can eat anything he wants.  Out came the bacon bits from a jar.  I can guarantee you there is not a trace of bacon in those bacon bits.  The only bacon on the label is "bacon flavoring," which is nothing more than a chemical made right here in the great state of New Jersey.  He'd be better off eating organic bacon, which only has salt to ruin your health, as opposed to a whole list of bad shit in a jar of bacon bits.  But hey, no one's forcing me to eat healthy, I'm not going to force anyone to join my ways.  I just hope he leaves me his car when the coronary or stroke comes.

I butchered the pumpkin pie crust, burning the shit out of it, but the filling was great (again though, still too much clove!), so Sherilyn and I ate around the burnt parts.  Lorin didn't try it, he doesn't like pumpkin pie (but you already guessed that).

This morning Sherilyn showed me how much oil she uses when she cooks her own eggs.  Okay, who am I to argue about someone else's tastes?  I cooked it well done for her with some rosemary and fresh thyme.  She's making the same discoveries that I initially made this past year, that adding some simple fresh herbs to simple dishes like fried eggs, makes the difference between a blah meal, and a gourmet meal!  One never thinks about it, but try it next time folks, raid your spice rack and you'll be amazed at the taste combinations!  I'm finding that any herbs or spices (fresh if available over dry) that go well with chicken goes well with eggs!

Today's snack for Sherilyn will be celery sticks with the leftover ranch dressing.  I was hoping Lorin would take some leftover chicken for lunch, but I don't think he did.  Well, he'll have to eat it for dinner with some leftover salad, store bought dressing, and fake bacon bits, because I'm not making a main course tonight.  But I am making some guacamole, and salsa (not spicy though the way I like it, because they're lightweights when it comes to spicy), along with my walnut rosemary bread (they can make sandwiches if they like!  I'll have to make some yummy caveman mayo too!).  I'm also going to experiment with some zucchini to make crispy chips for dipping, but if it's a disaster, than I'll run to Trader Joe's and grab some organic unsalted corn chips as a good mini-cheat.  Rome wasn't built in a day (but those bacon bits were).  Ugga-Bugga!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Caveman Spaghetti Bolognese!

My long desperate search for a pasta substitute is over.  When done right, zucchini has become a perfect replacement for spaghetti, and folks, after many tries, I finally got it right.  And I've been craving Bolognese sauce for some time now, so I decided to make one of my all-time favorite dishes, Spaghetti Bolognese, HOWEVER, without using any wheat (or grains of any kind), no salt, and no wine!  Let's cook, baby!

There are a million recipes for Bolognese sauce out there, but my favorite calls for a classic meat sauce, combined with mushrooms and Marsala wine.  Wine is not allowed on the paleo diet for the same reason vinegar and all booze is not allowed, they're fermented, and the chances of the cavemen eating anything fermented would be reduced to a rotting piece of fruit found on the ground.  Now I could cheat and just add some organic wine, and the differences in my health would be minimal, but I'm starting to enjoy the challenge of becoming as paleo as I can in today's modern society.  There are plenty of cavemen out there who are more liberal with the diet than I am, and there are many who are much more militant about it (some don't eat tomatoes or eggplant because they say nightshades didn't come around until after the paleo era, but screw that, I love them both), but I've found a balance that I'm comfortable with, and it keeps my blood pressure and waist line down, and my skin clear, which is why I started in the first place.

If I remember what wine tastes like, it's kind of like sour grapes (duh).  So let's start with some grapes (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  I went to the farmer's market and bought the least sweet red grape they had (don't ask me what they were called, I just go by taste).  So I threw one picked bunch into the blender and then I added the sour, lime juice.  Just a touch at first and then I keep tasting, and adding a little at a time until it tastes as close to wine as it's going to get.  I'm not worried that there won't be any alcohol, because the alcohol cooks out of real wine anyway.  Once it tastes right, I set it aside.

Now on to the sauce.  First, I brown a half pound of ground beef (15% fat) and a half pound of ground pork (20% fat) in a pan with olive oil.  Once done, I remove the meat, and add a food processor chopped mixture of one brown onion, about 6 thin stalks of celery, four cloves of garlic, and four medium sized carrots.  I saute them in the meat dripping and some more olive oil until they start to get soft.  Then I add about a cup of that chicken stock I made when I made the hot wings (remember them?  Yuuuuuum!), and deglaze the pan, by taking a wooden spoon and scraping off all the yummy bits of brown on the bottom.  Once deglazed, I add back the meat, add 3 large crushed heirloom tomatoes, about 8 ounces of baby bella mushrooms (if they're too big, quarter them), some fresh oregano, fresh basil, fresh Italian parsley, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes (to taste), a dash of fennel seeds, and the mock wine!  Stir and taste, and if it tastes too sour, you've added too much wine, so add a little more chicken stock to counteract the bitterness.

Simmer uncovered for as long as you can stand the smell without devouring it!  Ideally, 3-4 hours, but we all know I don't have that kind of will power (and we also know I have a lot more will power than you fat bastards, so I can only imagine how fast you'd be digging in).  If it starts to reduce too much, cover it and lower the heat.  Take a look:

Holy Shit, it smells so good right now.  Just like Bolognese sauce!  When the sauce is ready and done driving my sense of smell crazy with hunger, let's make the spaghetti!  I'd like to introduce you all to the Spirooli!  You may have seen it advertised on TV or on the internet.  It's one of those fancy gadgets made of cheap plastic that does things in the kitchen most people have to study at the Sorbonne to accomplish.  In this case, it takes veggies, and makes long spirals out of them, like spaghetti!  If you remember from my past blogs, I figured out that if I take raw zucchini, cut into strips with a peeler like fettucini, and just dipped it into the sauce, then it comes out like al dente pasta (if I cooked it, it became too mushy).  But the strips were short because I was limited to the size of the zucchini (that's what she said).  The Spirooli makes strands as long as six or seven feet!  It's amazing!  Check it out!

If you don't want some parts with skin on them, peel the zucchini first, but I like the look, and the nutrients you get with the skin.  I'm going to cut the strands into normal sized spaghetti, so that after twirling my pasta on my fork, it isn't the size of a boxing glove.  Pour the hot sauce over the "pasta" and mix in your bowl (to wilt the zucchini slightly, but not too much), then top with some more sauce, throw some parsley on top, and mangi (eat)!!!!!  Take a taste:

Wow, that is really, really good.  Very nice.  A little too heavy on the carrot for my taste, but not bad at al for a first try.  Yes, it tastes a lot like Bolognese sauce, and it feels A LOT like I'm eating spaghetti!  I encourage everyone who is trying to caveman it, or do the low carb thing, to buy a cheap Spirooli (this knock off cost me less than $20 on the HSN and simply called the Vegetable Curler/Slicer), and take some zucchini, and make Fauxghetti (thank you Stacie for the name)!  Your pasta cravings will be over!  This is not only a break through for all cavemen, but for all fat bastards everywhere!  Ugga-Bugga!!