You Can Lead A Caveman To The Table, But You Can't Make Them Eat!

Hollywood shuts down for the holidays.  The closer you get to Thanksgiving, the slower things become.  If a show you've pitched is being considered, you better sign something before Thanksgiving, otherwise you won't hear from anyone until mid-January, and by then, they've forgotten all about you.  It's a tough biz.  But the good news is you get over two months off (albeit with no pay).

So with nothing going on, my sister Sherilyn invited me to her home in New Jersey to cook caveman for her and her husband for the three weeks leading up to Turkey Day.  It would be a little experiment to see if A) they liked it, B) it works for them, and C) they could continue the diet after I leave.  I have no doubts that B will work for them, it can't NOT work if you're a human being.  But the rest of the alphabet is up to them.  The deal is I do all the cooking, and she does all the cleaning.  Perfect!

So first my sister and I went to Whole Foods and I showed her how to look for caveman food.  You HAVE to read the labels, because even though something says organic, it still can (and usually does) have a ton of added organic ingredients that are bad for you, and not paleo friendly.  Things like sea salt (another marketing ploy, because organic sea salt does the same nasty things to your body that table salt does), and soy (a bean, and full of toxins), and citric acid (not sure what organic citrus acid is, do they mean juice from a citrus fruit, because I don't trust that they processed a lemon.  Frankly, I'd rather eat a lemon).  This is especially important when talking about buying meat.  "Naturally raised" does not mean organic!  "Partially grass fed" does not mean "grass fed!"  So pick a store and a farmer you trust, and try as best you can to only eat "pure" food.

Monday morning, I got up and made breakfast.  My brother-in-law Lorin doesn't eat breakfast, which I informed him is healthier than people think (everything you've heard about it being the most important meal of the day would make a caveman laugh).  My sister usually eats 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg for breakfast.  She's worried about too much cholesterol, so she limits herself to one yolk.  I used to be the same way, until I stopped listening to Madison Avenue and learned the truth about good fat vs. bad fat.  And as you all know by now, organic eggs, laid by happy outdoor roaming hens, fed a diet of organic omega-3 rich flax seed, plus all the juicy bugs and seeds they find on the ground, lay gorgeous, fresh tasting, omega-3 rich delicious eggs.  Eat all of these yolks you want, I'm telling you my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect!  A concern for my sister all these years though was the price of organic eggs compared to conventional store bought eggs.  But if you cut all the high blood pressure and high cholesterol medicine out of your budget, you'll have plenty of money to spend on organic food.  See, every lame argument has a simple logical solution, it's all about how many excuses you want to make in life.

So I made her three organic omega-3 eggs, with some black pepper and some fresh basil (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  She hasn't used salt in her cooking for some time now, so at least I didn't have the salt battle to fight.  I fried them in olive oil, and she started looking at the pan and frowning.  She doesn't like oil.  Hmm...  That's a problem.  Healthy oil= healthy fat=healthy you.  You think sprayable PAM is healthy?  One of my pet peeves is when people go to a real high quality pizzeria and mat their napkins on the slice, sopping up all that delicious healthy olive oil.  The reason they think they're doing it is because they think too much oil is bad for you.  Well, if you were doing it to corn oil, or canola oil, I would agree, but organic olive oil is GOOD FOR YOU!  Once you get your head around the fact that organic lard from a healthy pig is better for you than processed canola oil, this diet will become a lot easier for you to swallow (pun intended).

Anyway, I served the eggs to my sister and she marveled at how wonderful it looked.  I was thrilled right up to the part when she took her napkin and sopped up all the excess olive oil.  Oh well, whatever, it's her breakfast, not mine.  She also likes her eggs more well done than I like mine, but I didn't force feed my ways on her with that either, I just made the breakfast and kvelled when she obviously loved it.

So off to work my sister and brother-in-law went, and I went to work cooking.  I baked a pumpkin pie for tonight's dessert, and roasted the pumpkin seeds in a frying pan with a DROP of oil (I'm learning) and some black pepper for my sister's snack when she came home in the late afternoon from work teaching nursery school.  The menu for tonight was romaine, tomato and red onion salad with home made caveman ranch dressing (see the recipe section), oven roasted rutabaga, and fried chicken, with the pie for dessert.

My brother-in-law Lorin came home and I told him the menu, and he wasn't quite drooling.  I quizzed him about his food preferences.  For salad, he only likes romaine lettuce, nothing else.  No problem, I can easily keep some of the lettuce aside for him, and just add the tomato and thinly sliced red onion for me and my sis (I love that simple three ingredient salad combo).  I was all set to impress him with my skills at not only making home made ranch dressing, but also making it without any buttermilk (or any dairy for that matter), and without any vinegar or salt!  I tempted him with, "You like Ranch Dressing..." as in "wait 'til you taste what I made!"  But before I could reveal that he said, "No."  Funny, I never realized what a picky eater Lorin was.  I've probably had a million meals with him over the years, and only once, when I made him breakfast a few years ago, did I realize he liked things plain.  But until now, I didn't know he liked food THIS plain.  Okay, no problem, I asked him what salad dressing he DID like, and he showed me a bottle of Italian vinaigrette in the fridge, full of salt and obviously vinegar.  So I whipped up a caveman version in a matter of seconds (I'm getting really good at this shit!).  3 parts olive oil, one part lemon juice, basil, oregano, parsley, black pepper, and garlic powder.  Delicious!  When my sister tasted it, she pushed me like Elaine does in Seinfeld when she's excited ("GET OUT!").  She was so happy when she tasted the ranch dressing she nearly killed me!

Okay, dinner time!  The chicken came out perfect!  They both loved it.  Actually Sherilyn loved it (I know from the welt she left on my arm after tasting it and punching me), but Lorin simply said, "Good chicken."  From Lorin, this was a rave review.  I still can't get over the fact I make healthy fried chicken.  To remind you, I use almond flour to replace the bread crumbs.  No photos today, folks, I made all this food before, and the recipes are on the recipe page for you to try or ignore.  The rutabaga was amazing.  I drizzled it with olive oil, rosemary and  fresh thyme, black pepper, garlic powder, parsley, and sliced red onion, and baked it for an hour and a half at 350.  Delish!  Lorin ate it, thinking it was potatoes.  When I revealed it was rutabaga he said he was glad I told him afterwards, because he probably wouldn't have eaten it otherwise.  Neither of them ever had rutabaga before, nor had I before I started this diet, and it's now one of my favorite veggies.  It's a great healthy substitute for nasty old unhealthy (albeit delicious) potatoes.  Sherilyn loved it, but she said the only thing she'd do differently is use less oil (I'm sensing a theme).

It was around then I noticed Lorin barely touched his salad.  I asked if he liked the caveman Italian vinaigrette dressing, and he said, "It's too green."  Hmm...  I said the green is from the olive oil.  "I don't like olive oil."  Hmm...  I asked what he thinks is missing.  "Flavor."  I surrender.  I told him feel free to use whatever dressing he liked.  He moved so fast to get his standard store bought dressing there were screech marks by the fridge.  I'm pretty sure my sister told him, as opposed to asking, that he's going caveman for his health, but I don't have hopes for him staying on this diet after I leave, considering he couldn't stay on it for the first meal.  He asked if bacon bits were allowed on paleo.  I said no, but it's his health, not mine, he can eat anything he wants.  Out came the bacon bits from a jar.  I can guarantee you there is not a trace of bacon in those bacon bits.  The only bacon on the label is "bacon flavoring," which is nothing more than a chemical made right here in the great state of New Jersey.  He'd be better off eating organic bacon, which only has salt to ruin your health, as opposed to a whole list of bad shit in a jar of bacon bits.  But hey, no one's forcing me to eat healthy, I'm not going to force anyone to join my ways.  I just hope he leaves me his car when the coronary or stroke comes.

I butchered the pumpkin pie crust, burning the shit out of it, but the filling was great (again though, still too much clove!), so Sherilyn and I ate around the burnt parts.  Lorin didn't try it, he doesn't like pumpkin pie (but you already guessed that).

This morning Sherilyn showed me how much oil she uses when she cooks her own eggs.  Okay, who am I to argue about someone else's tastes?  I cooked it well done for her with some rosemary and fresh thyme.  She's making the same discoveries that I initially made this past year, that adding some simple fresh herbs to simple dishes like fried eggs, makes the difference between a blah meal, and a gourmet meal!  One never thinks about it, but try it next time folks, raid your spice rack and you'll be amazed at the taste combinations!  I'm finding that any herbs or spices (fresh if available over dry) that go well with chicken goes well with eggs!

Today's snack for Sherilyn will be celery sticks with the leftover ranch dressing.  I was hoping Lorin would take some leftover chicken for lunch, but I don't think he did.  Well, he'll have to eat it for dinner with some leftover salad, store bought dressing, and fake bacon bits, because I'm not making a main course tonight.  But I am making some guacamole, and salsa (not spicy though the way I like it, because they're lightweights when it comes to spicy), along with my walnut rosemary bread (they can make sandwiches if they like!  I'll have to make some yummy caveman mayo too!).  I'm also going to experiment with some zucchini to make crispy chips for dipping, but if it's a disaster, than I'll run to Trader Joe's and grab some organic unsalted corn chips as a good mini-cheat.  Rome wasn't built in a day (but those bacon bits were).  Ugga-Bugga!