Caveman Spaghetti Bolognese!

My long desperate search for a pasta substitute is over.  When done right, zucchini has become a perfect replacement for spaghetti, and folks, after many tries, I finally got it right.  And I've been craving Bolognese sauce for some time now, so I decided to make one of my all-time favorite dishes, Spaghetti Bolognese, HOWEVER, without using any wheat (or grains of any kind), no salt, and no wine!  Let's cook, baby!

There are a million recipes for Bolognese sauce out there, but my favorite calls for a classic meat sauce, combined with mushrooms and Marsala wine.  Wine is not allowed on the paleo diet for the same reason vinegar and all booze is not allowed, they're fermented, and the chances of the cavemen eating anything fermented would be reduced to a rotting piece of fruit found on the ground.  Now I could cheat and just add some organic wine, and the differences in my health would be minimal, but I'm starting to enjoy the challenge of becoming as paleo as I can in today's modern society.  There are plenty of cavemen out there who are more liberal with the diet than I am, and there are many who are much more militant about it (some don't eat tomatoes or eggplant because they say nightshades didn't come around until after the paleo era, but screw that, I love them both), but I've found a balance that I'm comfortable with, and it keeps my blood pressure and waist line down, and my skin clear, which is why I started in the first place.

If I remember what wine tastes like, it's kind of like sour grapes (duh).  So let's start with some grapes (all ingredients, all organic, all the time).  I went to the farmer's market and bought the least sweet red grape they had (don't ask me what they were called, I just go by taste).  So I threw one picked bunch into the blender and then I added the sour, lime juice.  Just a touch at first and then I keep tasting, and adding a little at a time until it tastes as close to wine as it's going to get.  I'm not worried that there won't be any alcohol, because the alcohol cooks out of real wine anyway.  Once it tastes right, I set it aside.

Now on to the sauce.  First, I brown a half pound of ground beef (15% fat) and a half pound of ground pork (20% fat) in a pan with olive oil.  Once done, I remove the meat, and add a food processor chopped mixture of one brown onion, about 6 thin stalks of celery, four cloves of garlic, and four medium sized carrots.  I saute them in the meat dripping and some more olive oil until they start to get soft.  Then I add about a cup of that chicken stock I made when I made the hot wings (remember them?  Yuuuuuum!), and deglaze the pan, by taking a wooden spoon and scraping off all the yummy bits of brown on the bottom.  Once deglazed, I add back the meat, add 3 large crushed heirloom tomatoes, about 8 ounces of baby bella mushrooms (if they're too big, quarter them), some fresh oregano, fresh basil, fresh Italian parsley, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes (to taste), a dash of fennel seeds, and the mock wine!  Stir and taste, and if it tastes too sour, you've added too much wine, so add a little more chicken stock to counteract the bitterness.

Simmer uncovered for as long as you can stand the smell without devouring it!  Ideally, 3-4 hours, but we all know I don't have that kind of will power (and we also know I have a lot more will power than you fat bastards, so I can only imagine how fast you'd be digging in).  If it starts to reduce too much, cover it and lower the heat.  Take a look:

Holy Shit, it smells so good right now.  Just like Bolognese sauce!  When the sauce is ready and done driving my sense of smell crazy with hunger, let's make the spaghetti!  I'd like to introduce you all to the Spirooli!  You may have seen it advertised on TV or on the internet.  It's one of those fancy gadgets made of cheap plastic that does things in the kitchen most people have to study at the Sorbonne to accomplish.  In this case, it takes veggies, and makes long spirals out of them, like spaghetti!  If you remember from my past blogs, I figured out that if I take raw zucchini, cut into strips with a peeler like fettucini, and just dipped it into the sauce, then it comes out like al dente pasta (if I cooked it, it became too mushy).  But the strips were short because I was limited to the size of the zucchini (that's what she said).  The Spirooli makes strands as long as six or seven feet!  It's amazing!  Check it out!

If you don't want some parts with skin on them, peel the zucchini first, but I like the look, and the nutrients you get with the skin.  I'm going to cut the strands into normal sized spaghetti, so that after twirling my pasta on my fork, it isn't the size of a boxing glove.  Pour the hot sauce over the "pasta" and mix in your bowl (to wilt the zucchini slightly, but not too much), then top with some more sauce, throw some parsley on top, and mangi (eat)!!!!!  Take a taste:

Wow, that is really, really good.  Very nice.  A little too heavy on the carrot for my taste, but not bad at al for a first try.  Yes, it tastes a lot like Bolognese sauce, and it feels A LOT like I'm eating spaghetti!  I encourage everyone who is trying to caveman it, or do the low carb thing, to buy a cheap Spirooli (this knock off cost me less than $20 on the HSN and simply called the Vegetable Curler/Slicer), and take some zucchini, and make Fauxghetti (thank you Stacie for the name)!  Your pasta cravings will be over!  This is not only a break through for all cavemen, but for all fat bastards everywhere!  Ugga-Bugga!!