The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Pie!

Remember that time I made that apple pie?  'Member?  It was yummy, wasn't it?  Remember how bat shit I went at how good it was, and how amazed I was that I could make an organic gluten-free apple pie with no refined sugar?  'Member?  Well, this time you're gonna have to lock me in an asylum, because THIS PIE IS INSANE!!!!!!

Okay, so after two apple pies, and three pumpkin, I've got the crust recipe down by now!  I'll update the entire recipe page around New Year's, but for now, here is the definitive crust recipe (all ingredients, all organic, all the time):

For Pumpkin:
6 eggs (room temperature)
1/2 cup of honey
12 tablespoons of Coconut Oil (might need to heat slightly to make a liquid)
Coconut flour (amount varies)

For Apple:
9 eggs (room temperature)
3/4 cup of honey
18 tablespoons of Coconut Oil (might need to heat slightly to make a liquid)
Coconut flour (amount varies)

Again, don't worry about the saturated fat in coconut oil, and all those egg yolks, we're dealing with organic food here, folks, all the fat and cholesterol in these things are great for your health!  Stop listening to Madison Avenue, they're in the business of keeping you fat and unhealthy so that they can then turn around and sell you medicine and diet plans.  Did you hear about this new high carb diet bullshit that's sweeping the nation?  They're targeting people who want to eat pasta without guilt, but trust me, it won't work!  As amazing as pasta is (and I love pasta more than anybody, it's what got me inducted into the Fat Bastard Hall of Fame), there's almost nothing in it that's good for you, weight wise, health wise, or any other -wise.  Wheat, whole grain or otherwise is toxic and fattening.  Same with brown rice, and brown rice pasta.  Doctors say to eat a lot of whole grains because they know it's easier to get you to eat whole grains than it is to get you to eat real pure food that provide fiber but aren't as sexy as pasta.  The best diet for health is to eat no grains.  I have a friend who mentioned she couldn't do paleo because she "NEEDS oat bran in her life because she HAS to have fibre."  You know who told us that oat bran is required eating?  The people that make oat bran.  Instead, try eating an apple (any fruit or berry or edible seed really), or an avocado, or anything else that won't make you sick over a long period of time.  Or broccoli or kale, or any green leafy vegetable!  Plus, you're getting the other nutrients these fruit and vegetables provide that grains don't.  Fibre is fibre once your body breaks it down, so choose wisely.

One more thing about eating paleo (don't worry, you fat bastards, I'll get back to the pie in a minute).  My brother-in-law mentioned part of the reason he doesn't like the diet is that organic meat and food is so expensive.  True, but when you eliminate fruit roll-ups, and other candy, chips, and crap from your budget, then suddenly there's extra money for organic food.  Or line veto'ing the store bought orange juice every morning (I've talked about juice before explaining that a glass of orange juice is like eating 8 oranges, which you'd never do, so instead, just eat an orange and get the fibre too).  Plus, you save money when you don't have to take store bought vitamins, because you're getting actual vitamins from food for the first time in your life (this also allows your body to use more of the food you're eating, making you less hungry, and you wind up eating less, which also saving money on groceries).  And then there's the future to worry about, health-wise.  You can pay now, by eating organically, or you can pay later, with heart medicine, insulin, lipitor, doctors bills, etc.  A blogger on tumblr I've been following (http://christinadoeslife.com/) posted something that summed it up perfectly:

From Whole9Life:

• It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Giving up heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your “struggles”. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE... and it’s for the most important cause on earth – the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime.

It's all about choices, folks.  You can make all the excuses you want, but "I can't do it because I like cheese too much," is going to be a decision you regret when you go in for an angioplasty.

Okay, enough of this lecture bullshit, let's eat PIE!!!!!

Sherilyn and I (if you don't know who Sherilyn is by now, look up my past posts, you lazy bastards) bought a fancy shmancy apple peeler/corer/slicer that works "okay" but not "amazing."  Still, it got the job done, because even I don't have the patience to peel, de-core, and slice 9 apples all day long (okay, I do, because that's how I made the first pie, but I was miserable the whole time).  As the apple was sliced, I threw the slices into a bowl of water with lemon juice, so they wouldn't start to oxidize and turn brown.  I mentioned a lot of this in the blog about the first time I made the pie, but it's Thanksgiving, so I'll save you the time of looking it up yourselves (even lazy bastards need a break around the holidays).  Then I cooked the apples in a pan with some of the lemon water, and added a 1/2 cup of honey, 1 tablespoon of cinnamon, 1/2 tablespoon of nutmeg, and a SMALL dash of either allspice or clove.  This is to reduce the apples, so that they don't reduce in the pie, leaving a huge gap between the pie top and the filling.  Don't let the apples get too cooked or it'll turn to mush in the pie, just let them get a little softer than raw.  Then use a slotted spoon to remove the apples, and continue to reduce the liquid until it's syrupy (keep stirring or it'll burn).  Technically, this is refining the honey into sugar, but it's still SO much better for you than factory refined cane sugar, agave or maple syrup, or especially high fructose corn syrup.  Remember, honey is the only acceptable sugar on the paleo diet, but it should still be used in moderation, along with all fruit.  A holiday pie is a great reason to eat it moderately!  Add the syrup back into the apples, and let it cool, while you make the crust.

Into a bowl mix your eggs, honey, and oil.  The reason you need to have the eggs room temperature is because the coconut oil will clump immediately when it comes in contact with the cold eggs.  Coconut oil hardens at almost anything under 75 degrees, so you might need to pop the jar in the microwave for a few seconds to make it into a liquid (careful, don't burn yourself).  Once mixed, slowly start mixing in coconut flour until you have a thick, but not completely dry mixture.  Grease your pie pan with some more coconut oil (doesn't take much, but use enough so it looks greased, you don't want your crust sticking), and using your hands, start layering in and forming a crust.  I just dump a big dollop of "dough" in the pan (not all of it, you need quite a bit to make the top, so only use a little more than half to start with, and then use sparingly if you still need more), and start pushing it out, up the sides, etc, until a pie crust is formed.  You don't want the bottom to be too thick, but it's worse if it's too thin, so err on the side of excess.  And use a deep pie dish, or you won't have room for the filling (like my last pumpkin pie).  Then pop it into your 350 degree pre-heated oven for about ten to fifteen minutes (I skipped this step this time by mistake, and I can tell the subtle difference it made).  Take it out (might need to let it cool for a few minutes) and then pour in your syrupy apple mixture.  Then take the remaining dough and form the top, making sure everything is covered, and all the dough is connected to the sides.

Cover the edges with foil, or they'll burn, then put the pie pan in a baking dish or pan, and add a water bath (don't know what that is?  Neither did I until I looked it up on the internet, so use the web as your ultimate kitchen tool, and cooking class like I do).  Bake it for 30 minutes and then take a knife and cut three slits in the top so that the filling can vent (different than when I vent about my mother).  Suddenly it looks like a real pie, and I feel like a real chef.  Believe me people, if I can do this, you can too, I am not mechanical, or handy, so you'll probably be able to make all these recipes better than I can.  I bought a grill once, and the woman said assembly was required, but it only took her an hour, and she's not mechanical, so I could probably do it in the same time or less.  I had it completely assembled in only 7 hours!  So this recipe should be easy as pie for you (lame pun, I know, sorry).

Bake for another half hour, and if the top looks brown and done, it's done.  If it's not bowned to your liking, continue baking until it is!  Sherilyn asked if it was cooked long enough to be done, but remember, we pre-cooked the filling, so it's practically done when we start.  Being a new cavewoman, she still has to be reminded that we're not using food like wheat that needs to be cooked in order to be edible.  In fact, every recipe I cook can be eaten raw!  That's my rule of thumb, if you can eat it raw, you can eat it on this diet.  Now, I wouldn't eat a raw chicken, but a fox has no problem killing a chicken and eating it raw, and it never makes them sick!  Same with animals that eat bird eggs.  So go ahead and cook things, but realize, they're edible raw too!

Okay, thanks for your patience, reading through all my ranting, and cooking instructions.  Here's your reward:

Hello Gorgeous!!!!!  The bottom crust was a little too thin, and slightly too soft, which is why I say don't skip the step of cooking it for ten or fifteen minutes before adding the filling.  And as you can see, to be picky, some of the crust edge broke off in some places, making it slightly less presentable.  But the taste... Holy Caveman Crap, the taste...!  Perfect!  I had a slice last night for dessert, and then had a slice this morning for breakfast!  My niece Katie came home from college last night and gave it a hard look this morning.  I told her to try some, but she said she's not really a pie person.  She gets her pickiness from her dad, that's for sure.  But it looked so good, she tried a small slice anyway.  She took one bite, her eyes widened in surprise, and said simply, "it's good."  Another bite... then another.  "It's REALLY good!"  Being a college student, she's always watching her weight to a degree (she's not a diet junky, but she wants to look hot and realizes she's got the family fat bastard gene), so she was amazed when I told her she could eat the whole pie and not gain much weight (especially compared to eating a conventional pie).

Then Sherilyn's friend Wendy came by, and she tried a slice.  She couldn't believe it was made without added sugar, or wheat flour!  You won't either!  If you're having a paleo Thanksgiving, you won't need to skip on dessert, you can make these caveman pumpkin and apple pies, and enjoy your meal as much as anyone in America.  More so in fact, because you know that it's all healthy, and non-fattening!  While the rest of America is loosening their belts tomorrow night, you cavemen might be too, but in a day or so, you'll be back to your skinny selves, while everyone else will be shopping for bigger pants!  And if you're not a caveman, try these pies anyway, and enjoy a guilt free dessert for a change, especially on the biggest overeating day of the year.  I hope everyone out there has a very happy, and HEALTHY, Ever-Lovin' Ugga-Buggin' Thanksgiving!