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Catering is hard!  Started getting ready for my friend Henry's screening around 4.  As a reminder, here was the menu (all ingredients, all organic, all the time):

Coconut Shrimp
Grass Fed Beef Sliders
Kale Chips
Onion Rings
Date Wrapped Almonds, Walnuts, and Strawberries

I ground some extra almonds in case I needed them for the onion ring flour, and marinated the shrimp in lemon juice (a step I added because the first time I made them I thought the shrimp needed a little "something" extra).  Then I packed all the food up for travel to Henry and Eva's (pronounces her name like Ava Gardner).  Took out the date wrapped strawberries I made two days earlier, the one thing I KNEW would be the hit of the party, and my first disaster struck!  It was a gooey mess.  Apparently the sugar in the dates started breaking down the strawberries as if I were making preserves.  I tasted it, and it was still amazingly delicious, but unservable to guests.  So I left a little early and bought some more dates and strawberries at Whole Foods, and just made them as soon as I got there.  First disaster averted.  Notice I said "first."  You caught that, didn't you?  Wait... just wait.

Got to Henry and Eva's and the three of us munched on the old gooey strawberries and dates while Henry prepped the slider fixin's (shredding lettuce, slicing tomatoes and red onion), and I made the new dessert treats.  Their oldest boy, Jayden, an adorable four year old (I think he's four) was fascinated by everything, and I asked him if he wanted to taste something gooey and delicious.  He was all for gooey and strawberries, but took one look at the mess and changed his mind.  He had me cracking up all night.  Then he saw me putting out the sliced rosemary almond bread for the slider buns, and wanted to try one.  Me, being the wonderful Uncle I am to all the kids in my beach crew, was ready to oblige.  But Jayden, brilliantly remembering his parents' teachings, asked what was in it, and when I said almonds, he declined.  Turns out he's allergic to almonds!  Smart kid, huh!?  If he didn't ask, he might have eaten it, and would have had a terrible allergic reaction with his throat swelling up closed!  "Thanks for sending me to the emergency room, Uncle Jeffrey, you're the best!  ...Asshole."  Thank god, he was smarter than me.  Another disaster averted.

Put one tray of Kale Chips in the lower oven and one in the upper oven and started on the shrimp.  Immediately I got worried.  They were whitish in color, almost like they've been partially cooked.  I silently hoped they were just bleached by the lemon juice and started cooking them like I did the first batch I made last week.  The coconut oil was hot and ready, but the shrimp weren't browning like they did in the picture (see the Coconut Shrimp blog).  Plus, the coating was falling off.  They also seemed to cook a lot faster than the batter was browning.  I tasted one and it was like rubber!  There was no avoiding this disaster, it was coming, and I was helpless to stop it.  Note to anyone trying this recipe, DO NOT MARINATE BEFOREHAND!  I'm convinced this is what did it, since I did everything else the same from the first try.  It was 7pm now and the guests were starting to arrive as I was cooking the shrimp, and my first words to them weren't "hello," or "great seeing you again," but instead, "I fucked up the shrimp."  "Nice to see you too... Asshole.  Glad I skipped dinner for this."  Ouch.  Oh well, nothing I could do, they still had the other dishes to eat.  It was a shame, because the dipping sauce came out PERFECT!  Peaches, garlic, ginger, onion powder, cilantro, jalapeno, and honey.  I didn't even cook it, the tastes were electric!  But nothing to dip into.  A lonely little dipping sauce in search for an edible coconut shrimp.  Maybe I can write a kids book about it.  But my friend Jeff, who worked on a lot of cooking shows explained that even the best chefs go through hundreds of failed attempts before coming up with perfect recipes.  And since this was only my second attempt, I felt a lot better about butchering the dish.

I was determined NOT to screw up the onion rings, and I didn't!  They came out perfect.  I didn't see anyone dipping them into the thousand island dressing, but I was happy to see my buddy Jeff dipping them into the coconut shrimp sauce!  I'm glad it didn't go to waste.  The first batch of Kale Chips was a little underdone, but people seemed to like it, because it was all gone by the time I brought out the second tray.  By the way, as I took out the tray from the lower oven, Jayden ran past the scalding oven door while it sat open.  Thoughts of racing him to the burn ward in my car ran through my head.  But in addition to the kid being smarter than me, he's also more coordinated than me, and he avoided the door completely.  I quickly shut it before he had a chance to run back.  I don't know how you parents do it, I would be a worried mess ALL THE TIME.  I'm sorry Eva and Henry, I swear I never almost kill my godson Dash when I babysit for him!

Henry asked me to come over and explain about the menu, so I turned off the oven and brought the last of the onion rings over to the table with all the food.  Again, apologizing about the shrimp, people were being very kind, especially my friends Mike and Wendy who said they liked it.  Not sure if they were just being kind, but I appreciated it regardless.  I'm not sure people were really digging the sliders, but I know they appreciated that I made the buns, ketchup, mayo, thousand island dressing, etc.  And whether they liked it or not, they were very interested that an entire meal could be made without salt, sugar, grains, legumes, or anything fermented, like vinegar.  As I was explaining what was in the dipping sauce I noticed the entire kitchen was filling with smoke.  Turns out I forgot to turn off the burner on the frying pan full of sunflower oil from the onion rings.  Also, instead of turning the oven off, I turned it on HIGH.  "Thanks for burning down our kitchen Jeff, glad that Caveman bullshit is working out for you...  Asshole."  But Henry turned it all off, and opened up some windows, and no one died.

And of course they liked the date wrapped desserts.  Eva and Henry put them on a cake stand and presented them beautifully.  I saw Eva taking my stuff and arranging them on plates with amazing flair as she took professional pictures of everything (I'll put them up as soon as she sends them to me).  So the dessert and the onion rings were the stars, I would say the sliders were at least decent, the shrimp was such a disaster that Leonardo DiCaprio yelled "I'm King of the World" off its bow, and the Kale was underdone but eaten in it's entirety (maybe because they were starving from the lack of shrimp).  I'd have to give myself a C+ for my first catering attempt.

Then a blonde girl and her male companion showed up late.  Henry introduced me, but I didn't quite get their names.  She had read my blog though and had a million questions about the food.  She was a strict vegan, and didn't care for the shrimp or the sliders, so I offered her some onion rings.  She didn't eat fried food, and wasn't a fan of almonds either, which I used in the batter.  I offered her some Kale Chips, but she didn't want any because they were drizzled with olive oil and she wasn't a fan of oily things.  She was considering the date wrapped desserts, but wasn't in a rush to try any.  In her defense, she did say she's been driving her parents crazy with her fussiness since birth.  Her male companion also seemed fascinated by the whole diet and was very inquisitive as well.  He seemed to like the slider.  After hearing all the ingredients in the vegan items she wouldn't try the ketchup, or the thousand island dressing.  But she perked up when I told her about the dipping sauce for the coconut shrimp.  She dipped a tomato slice into the sauce, tasted it, and simply said, "Interesting..."  I don't know if it was me, my food, my breath, if I wounded her puppy in another life, if she was anti-semetic, or whatever, but I could not please her.  But I don't care about any of that, because SHE WAS SMOKING HOT!!!  I would cook for her any damn way she wanted me to, no almonds, no oil, no flavor, no air, whatever it takes, I'm all in, just get me her number, Henry!  I'm praying her male companion was either her brother, or her gay buddy.

I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone because the screening was starting and they were ushered into the screening room.  I had already seen the movie, so I packed up and headed home.  Believe me, I was thankful for someone else doing the clean up for a change.  I was really glad I tried such an ambitious project, and honored Henry asked me to try, but I'm not sure I would do it again.  But it was great seeing some of my beach friends with clothes on for a change, and we always have a lot of laughs when we get together.  If people try the diet, or at least try making the ketchup, great, if not, oh well, good health isn't for everybody.  I'm just glad Jayden survived.

Search Amazon.com for Caveman Diet

P.S. - One of my buddies found this great book that takes Caveman Dieting to the next level.  If you're doing this diet strictly for weight loss, I highly recommend it.  It's all about seasonal eating, and why cavemen ate fruit in the summer, so that they could gain weight and survive winter!  This stuff is really fascinating.  Nature is an amazing thing.  Here's a link if you're interested.  Ugga-Bugga!

Search Amazon.com for Dr. Gundry Diet Evolution